Turns Out All These Professors Are Not What They Seem, or Ignorance Is Everywhere!

It has come to our attention that certain tenured faculty members continue to address, to their non-tenured "colleagues," questions that they ought to be embarrassed to ask.

We hereby publish the answers.

Yes, students must complete the English core before they can take upper division courses. That's the definition of "core," after all, isn't it?

No, students ought not be advised to take Senior Seminar (the capstone course) until they have completed most of their other upper division credits. We not only wonder why a tenured faculty member would feel the need to ask this question, but we also wonder why he/she feels no shame at addressing such a question to someone whom they recently sought to keep from voting on curricular matters. For once and for all, if you fancy yourself our intellectual superiors, you should at least have the self-respect not to give the lie to your own claims by asking us questions to which you ought to know the answers. Ask someone else, surely, for God forbid you dispense incorrect information to students, but don't ask the very people whom you should wish will never see the truth about your ignorance.

The most amusing (and infuriating) aspect of this situation is that many of you have been teaching in the Department since Captain Howdy was still in high school, indeed, in some cases, since before Captain Howdy was even born!

Laziness Update

The refrigerator has been mysteriously cleaned by...someone.

Now we all get to watch the filth slowly accrete again until...someone...breaks down and cleans it again.

Turns Out All These Liberal Professors Are Not What They Seem, or Racism Is Everywhere!

Earlier this semester, an ad hoc faculty "Committee to Study Racism" was formed at the suggestion of a certain professor, who complained at a faculty meeting that she was tired of being the only person to whom black students could go with their reportedly numerous complaints of racist treatment at the hands of the English Department. To hear her tell it, this has been going on for years. No explanation was given for why she had never reported the alleged tidal wave of complaints.

It seems to me that if there have been that many complaints she should have gone with them to the Chair of the Department, or even to the Dean, long before now. The appropriate course of action would have been to bring any such allegations to the attention of the proper authorities, not to keep them to oneself for years, so that you can later don the martyr's mantle and attempt to shame your, um, non-non-white colleagues, who, by the way, will believe whatever you tell them about themselves, when it comes to racism, convinced as they are that their skin color and the behavior of their ancestors condemns them to a lifetime of shame, guilt, and groveling. Long story short: this isn't about taking care of students; it's about gaining the moral high ground and the power that comes with it.

At any rate, a recent memo from the self-appointed (and self-righteous) committee reads, in part:

The committee met and catalogued concerns that have been voiced by undergraduate and graduate students:[my numbering]

[1] Double standards in grading...
[2] Double standards in mentoring, guidance, and support...
[3] Inadequate recognition of leadership potential...
[4] Insensitive racial comments...
[5] ...gross generalizations and stereotypes
[6] ...profiling and ranking of student potential...

No mention whatsoever is made in this "catalog" of "concerns" of whether any evidence has yet been presented. It would appear, as elsewhere in academia where the charge of racism is concerned, that the alleged victim need only claim that racism exists for it to be true. Again, no evidence whatsoever is mentioned that double standards have been used, nor are any examples mentioned of "insensitive racial comments," or profiling, or "inadequate recognition of leadership potential" (whatever that means--in an academic department where no such leadership opportunities exist for any students, of any color, race, ethnicity, gender, or political party).

(Actually, this could be a reference to the momentary controversy surrounding last year's proposal that graduate Teaching Fellows be allowed to select two of their number to represent them at faculty meetings and vote on matters relating to the courses they teach. One professor moved that the faculty decree that the student representatives be "non-white." His motion precipitated a rather vigorous discussion, during which Captain Howdy's head nearly exploded. (Nothing brings on the cognitive dissonance like hearing a college professor, presumably ones intellectual superior, claim that "affirmative action works" without providing any of the evidence that he would require even of the lowliest freshman.) Needless to say, the motion wasn't even seconded, but, apparently, it lives on as an assumption that the English faculty are a bunch of racists. The failed motion assumes that graduate students would necessarily elect white peers to represent them, so the faculty must step in to "correct" their presumed racism. But isn't it just as reasonable to assume that the graduate students would elect "non-white" representatives? That is a possibility that has apparently not even been considered.

And do you know why? It's because this little project has nothing to do with the best interests of students and everything to do with professors promoting their own political positions within the Department. Is it an accident that the memo from the "Committee to Study Racism" includes among its "possible avenues of redress" the development of a "Diaspora Studies" program? This has much more to do with certain professors manipulating events so that they will be able to teach in their specialties, than it has to do with "protecting" students.

Oh, and suggesting (as another "possible avenue of redress") racial sentivity training for professors is another such tactic, for no non-non-white English professor who completed graduate training in the last twenty years would dare dream of refusing to attend such a PC-fest, fearing deep in their soul that they might be racist, and everybody knows that, which makes the suggestion manipulative beyond belief.

After receiving the minutes of the Faculty Senate meeting last week, I understood that the mere idea of allowing adjuncts to vote on any issue related to their pedagogy and/or teaching environment was hideously repulsive to the minority elite of tenure-track faculty. After all, adjuncts are in the majority! True, there may be merit in allowing them to speak about their concerns, but vote? They might take over! And if NTTAs were allowed to vote, wouldn't that make it easier for the floodgates to open? After all, consider the possibility: The faculty might be overrun by masses of unwashed low-class pseudo professors! They might impinge on the sanctity of the true academics at LIU! (I could feel the horror of such a prospect permeating the electronic airwaves.) Then, the following question seems to have arisen in their discussion: Were NTTAs actually members of the faculty senate?

Oh, had I been there! And had I been unafraid to speak out! I would have asked if any of them would consider the barely palatable possibility of allowing adjuncts and NTTAs to be considered three fifths of a member. That worked before the Civil War. Maybe it would work now.

Faculty Members Are Simply Better Than The Rest Of Us

The Chair of the Department was overheard today asking the secretaries whether "cleaning" could be added to their list of duties. A surreptitious peek revealed that she was unable even to look them in the eye as she made her request, which, we assume, was in regard to the disgusting mess one usually encounters whenever one ventures near the microwave, the refrigerator, or the water cooler in the common area.

We here at the Brooklyn English Underground realize that college professors hatch from pods and thereafter roam freely over the landscape without benefit of parental instruction in such matters, so allow us to offer some advice.

When you nuke your soup, wipe up anything left clinging to the inside walls of the oven.

When you put something in the refrigerator, always remember to come back later and remove it before such time as it grows a furry coat. If your package leaves an offensive puddle of filth behind, clean it up.

If you spill anything on the countertop during the preparation of whatever you are eating or drinking, clean it up.

Do not assume that someone else will do these things for you.

Believe it or not, an advanced degree does not automatically relieve you of the obligation to behave responsibly.

Indeed, since English professors typically insist that they should not be treated as better than anyone else (despite their status as members of the cultural elite), some might even argue that stooping to clean the microwave on occasion would provide them with an excellent opportunity to demonstrate that their professed solidarity with the working class is more than so much hot air.

Misplaced Priorities, Anyone?

It has come to our attention that a certain tenured professor has announced her refusal to advise English majors until such time as she is supplied with new computer equipment that can handle mainframe access. Apparently, she has for several years requested such equipment, to no avail, and has now reached the end of the proverbial rope.

(For those of you who are not so privileged as to work in our precious little pit of vipers, online mainframe access allows one to see whether individual sections of a course are open or closed and who is enrolled in a particular section. It also allows one to see students' transcripts.)

Most members of the faculty ROUTINELY report that they DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE mainframe access, yet they nonetheless manage somehow to advise their students anyway, so it would seem more than a bit disingenuous to claim at this late date that one can't advise students without it. Reliable sources indicate that most faculty send students to the Registrar without first checking whether the sections being scheduled still have open seats. Other persons in a position to know report that professors regularly schedule students for courses the prerequisites for which have not been completed and habitually joke about their inexplicable inability to remember, for more than a few seconds, the keyboard commands for navigating mainframe access, which, for a bunch of stuck-up PhDs, should be downright embarrassing. And English majors themselves regularly complain that Department faculty "don't know what they're talking about" when it comes to the requirements for graduation. This leads us to conclude that professors take their professional responsibility to advise those students who have, for some mysterious reason, chosen to major in English, less seriously than, say, writing articles and books that nobody will ever read. Yet none of this has ever stopped those professors from advising their students.

In short, if we didn't know better (ahem), we might think the good professor were punishing her advisees for the admittedly poor treatment being meted out to her by the University, when it comes to the unrelated matter of her office computer.

We here at the Brooklyn English Underground sincerely sympathize with the frustration one must feel at being repeatedly ignored when requesting up-to-date computer equipment, which is of course necessary for all the work one is required to do as a professor, not only advisement. So we wholeheartedly support her request for said computer equipment, but we must protest when she stoops to using students as bargaining chips.

Is It Contageous?

Let's look for a moment beyond the "hollow" walls of the English Dept. to see the universe beyond. Yes, I'm speaking of our illustrious Deans who lead the way for us into the galaxy of outrageous absurdity. There is the Dean of Great Expectations who has yet to learn how to communicate clearly and effectively to us who reside here on planet Earth ( but, then, she is above it all). Then there is the Dean of Peter's Principle who still believes if you run fast and far enough, and muck up the waters behind you, no one will ever discover you know absolutely nothing.
Yes, I'm sure you have more stories to tell on this front, yes?

"When I Was Chair..."

A woman who used to be chair of the department, and therefore ought to realize how important it is to restrict everyone's unlimited use of the copy machine, complained today that she has to enter the last five digits of her social security number in order to operate the machine.

Obviously, somebody has too much time on her hands.

I would like to take this opportunity to point out that people with actual work to do, don't have time to file grievances against the secretary.

Don't Call Us, We'll Call You

From a recent proposal on voting rights in the department: "Administrators with teaching responsibilities may vote on all matters pertaining to the composition and sophomore literature sequences, and shall serve in an advisory capacity on committees pertaining to the programs they administer."

That's rich. I'm smart enough to "advise" you about developing, say, your major program. But when it comes to deciding whether we ought to implement whatever we come up with, I won't have any say?

In the interest of political incorrectness, I would like to point out the following.

I got your "advisory capacity" right here.

Oh, You Poor Overworked Dears

If you want to deny non-tenure track workers the right to vote in faculty meetings, and if you want to try to justify that position by arguing that it is the tenure-track faculty who do all the heavy lifting (curriculum development, committee service, student advisement, etc.), I say fine, but don't then turn around and say that you don't want to participate in a curriculum development retreat because you "feel tired." Or at least don't say this in front of everyone. And even if you are tired, don't put off the retreat (which, after all, is the type of thing one is obligated to do if one is a tenure-track faculty member) for an entire year. Stupid.

Welcome to the Brooklyn English Underground

The members of the Brooklyn English Underground teach in the English Department at a large university in New York City.

The purpose of the Brooklyn English Underground is to provide ourselves with a forum to expose the vomit-inspiring hypocrisy of our esteemed "colleagues" and to highlight the absolute lunacy of teaching in a university English department. We sincerely hope that it is not like this everywhere, though our hope is not high. Power being in short supply among our members, we resort to the anonymity of this blog in order to create an outlet for what we must keep bottled up behind our fake office smiles.

Posts to the blog will be of the "here's-what-I-wish-I-had-said" variety.

No, these are not our real names.